Aftermath
by sudoku
Summary: Sherlock feels the his life has been turned upside down after the revelation in Sherrinford. He is not sure who he is anymore. He prided himself on being a "highly functioning sociopath". He said, "Sentiment is a chemical defect found on the losing side". Of course, the joke is on him because he was a very emotional child. What does he need to do? A friendship and family fic.
1. My whole life is a lie!

-Not a native speaker, not betaed, and not Brit-picked. Any correction is welcome.

* * *

"Every choice you ever made, every path you've ever taken, the man you are today, is your memory of Eurus."

"Mycroft told me you'd rewritten your memories, he didn't tell me you'd written me out completely."

Those two sentences from his siblings kept looping in Sherlock's mind as he lied down at Mrs Hudson's couch. He just returned from Sherrinford. The 221B was still a mess as they hadn't got the time to fix it after the explosion. John kindly offered his house but he refused. He was not in the right state of mind. He was afraid he might hurt Rosie accidentally. He asked Mrs Hudson if he could sleep at 221C but she said he needed to rest immediately and her couch was as good as any other places.

When Mrs Hudson asked if he needed anything, he said no. On good days, he often forgot to eat. And now was definitely not a good day.

He was not sure who he iwas anymore. He prided himself on being a "highly functioning sociopath". He said, "Sentiment is a chemical defect found on the losing side". Of course, the joke was on him because he was a very emotional child.

He thought hard cold facts were everything but he didn't even get his own facts right. He felt that he has betrayed Victor and as he replaced him with a dog.

The thought of Victor's body at the bottom of the well sent another bout of depression. He remembered what Ella said that it was OK to cry. So he cried.

He cried for Victor. He must be so scared dying alone in that well. He cried for Victor's family who until now hadn't known Victor's fate. He took note to talk to Victor's family when he had sorted himself out.

He cried for all the people Eurus had killed or harmed because she wanted his attention. He logically knew it was not his fault but tonight sentiments won so he feels responsible.

He knew that the situation was dire that he even cried for Mycroft. He must have a lot of burdens to hide so many secrets and to take care of his siblings. He cried for his parents who thought Eurus was dead. He even cried for Eurus who didn't understand emotion.

Thinking of Eurus reminded him of Molly. Poor Molly. He had hurt and used her so often. Ironically, his last call to Molly was meant to save her but in the end it was the cruelest thing he had ever done to her. He took another mental note about apologizing to Molly.

If only Mary were here… That thought of course sent another wave of guilt. This was definitely his fault that Mary was no longer here. He robbed John of his wife and Rosie of her mom. He also lost a good friend who gets him.

It was his turn to feel sorry for himself. He didn't know who he is anymore. Apparently his obsession in solving murders stemmed from his childhood trauma. Even his obsession was a lie. If he was not meant to be a consulting detective, what was he supposed to be?

Of course Moriarty of his mind palace started to appear. "Just kill yourself. It would make things easier for everyone involved."

He was slightly tempted but then he remembered what he said to Faith who turned out to be Eurus that "our life is not our own so keeps our hands of it".

Moriarty retreated after saying he was boring.

He was tempted to start using. Then Molly, the mind palace Molly, not the real Molly shook her head showing her disappointment. Behind her, the mind palace Mycroft and John also shook their heads.

Fine, he wouldn't be using then.

"I think you know that all of these are your own thoughts, right? So you think of suicide and drugs but you refuse them. You've made a lot of progress."

"And of course you are also not the real Mary."

"Of course." Mary nodded.

"So I'm praising myself."

"Yes, I know you're often full of yourself. But you need it this time."

"I'm sorry about your death."

"Me too, but again it's not your fault. The real Mary, not me, chose to jump to protect you."

"You shouldn't."

"Well, it has been done. It's what it's."

"What do I do now? My whole life is a lie. I thought I was clever and above emotions so I chose to be a detective."

"You're clever, the smartest man I have ever met. You're also a great detective."

"You are me so that means I'm praising myself."

"I know." She smiled.

"I need to talk to someone real who doesn't take my bullshit but also doesn't hate me."

"Well, the list will be quite short then."

"I think I have just insulted myself too."

Mary smiled and disappeared.

Sherlock raked his brain about who to talk to. His first thought was John but John was tired after his ordeal, besides he wouldn't be objective and he also needed to take care of Rosie. Mycroft was also resting and he was also very involved emotionally. He thought of Molly but now he needed to sort himself out first before talking to her. Mrs Hudson would definitely take his side so it was not objective.

He thought of Sally and Anderson then again he thought he was not that desperate. That only left one person.

He sent a text to Lestrade. "Could you come here first thing in the morning? SH".

After a few tense minutes, he received a reply. "Sure."

It was the first time he could find himself relaxing. He fell into restless sleep a few moments later.


	2. The So-called Sociopath

Greg was surprised that Sherlock asked him to meet at 221B. When he arrived, Sherlock was already seated facing the front door at the chair usually occupied by John. The chair was charred but somehow remains intact. Sherlock was sitting with his fingers steepled together under his chin. He was still impeccably dressed despite what had just happened the day before. It must be some sorts of Holmesian trait.

He wondered why Sherlock was busy in his mind palace. There was no case that he was aware of. He knew Sherlock needed a break after everything that has happened. Since this mind palace trip might be a while, he went to find undestroyed surface to sit on. The coffee table near Sherlock's chair seemed to be intact so he steps gingerly-most parts of the apartment seem to be destroyed- toward the table. He probed it with his fingers, it didn't fall apart. He pressed it with his right palm, it was still standing. It seemed to be steady enough so he sat on it.

Upon closer inspection, he saw that Sherlock was much paler than usual. His eyes were also red-rimmed. He didn't need to be a super genius to know what it meant. Sherlock also didn't seem to be as calm as he usually was as he was shaking slightly. It seemed he was in some sort of mental torment.

"Sherlock, you need to stop whatever you're doing."

The younger man seemed to be surprised by Greg's voice. He unlaced his fingers and shook his head. "My life has been a lie. I've been trying to reconcile all the facts I got recently with what I remembered and it doesn't make sense." To Greg's surprise, his eyes were filled with tears. Sherlock seemed to be as surprised as him. He tried his hardest to stop crying but ended up shaking badly.

Greg stood up and closed the distance between them and hugged Sherlock. The consulting detective seemed to be surprised by the gesture but-to Greg's relief- he returned the hug albeit reluctantly. His damn seemed to burst and he cried at Greg's chest. Greg grimaced as he just bought this jacket last week. Well, if this gesture could keep Sherlock off the deep end, the dry cleaning cost was worth it.

After a few minutes of awkward silence punctuated by sobbing, finally Sherlock managed to compose himself and released the hug. "I'm sorry that I've become a temperamental idiot. Close proximity to other idiots must have triggered it. It won't happen again." The consulting detective avoided any eye contact. It seemed to be the first time he ever admitted he had any emotions in front of Greg.

Greg could see he slip quickly into his indifferent persona. He could read Sherlock easier now if he knew where to look. The inspector actually wished to see more of the human side of Sherlock but now was not the best time to bring it up. He returned to his seat at the table. "Sherlock, it's OK to cry. I'd bail my eyes out for a week if I were you."

Sherlock finally looked at him and raised his eyebrows. "Would you?"

"Well, perhaps three days but a lot of alcohol would be involved. I'm amazed that you're not using. You're not, are you?"

Sherlock shook his head. "No, I can't afford to. Besides my kidney problems, I still need to take care of a lot of things."

Lestrade quite enjoyed the new responsible Sherlock but he wished it were not because of any old traumas. "What kinds of things?"

"Talking to Victor's family, it was because of me that Victor died. I also need to talk to my siblings and my parents to sort everything out. How is Mycroft?"

"He is understandably shaken. He said he needed a moment to compose himself. I suppose he will be back to normal soon."

"That git is not as strong as he wants people to believe."

"He said the same thing about you."

"Of course he did."

"Sherlock, now is not the time for sibling rivalry. Your brother said as long as you are fine, he would be fine in no time."

"Tell him I'm fine."

"I think it's best you tell him yourself. Both of you need to talk properly instead of the usual one-upping one another. It's fun to be a spectator most of the time but _now_ is not the right time. Besides, are you really fine? Why did you text me last night?"

Sherlock flinched at his question.

"You said your life has been a lie. Could you elaborate that? I only heard a very abridged version from Mycroft."

Sherlock rolled his eyes. "I guess you never learn. Of course Mycroft won't tell the whole truth."

"I'm so glad that you can still insult me so you're still sort of normal. Well, normal-ish." He stopped when he saw that Sherlock actually looked hurt at that comment but he quickly slipped into his bored mask. He must have hit some nerves. "Now, please tell me what's going on so I could be the judge whether your life has always been a lie."

Sherlock told him about Eurus-a younger sister that he had forgotten. Greg raised his eyebrows. How could anyone forget he had a sister? But he didn't interrupt. He told him how Eurus didn't understand emotion. How she was fascinated by Sherlock and as the result she was not happy if he didn't play with her. How she threw Victor into a well in cold blood and taunted Sherlock with some hints about his whereabouts. Sherlock failed to get the clue so he lost his best friend. Eurus was then sent away into Sherrinford by Uncle Rudy and Mycroft continued the cover up until of course Eurus met Moriarty. Then all hell broke loose. He continued with what happened in Sherifford.

Greg was stunned by this whole tale. It sounded too fantastic to be real. He took a moment to collect his thought. "I didn't know it was _that_ bad. Forget about one week. I'll take one whole year to recover from such traumas. You're entitled to break down as much as you want."

"It's a one-off thing."

"Sherlock, it's OK to have emotions. "

"That's the problem, isn't it? I was apparently very emotional and was the weakest among my siblings."

"You're quite an idiot for a genius and I don't mean among your siblings. I mean compared to mere mortals like us. It's OK to have emotions. So you have emotions, yes I said have, not had. Big deal. We have lesser intellects compared to you but we manage just fine." Sherlock seemed to be taken aback by his outburst. He continued, "It seems your compassion manages to save John and brings back Eurus. How is that not an advantage?"

"I feel terrible."

"Join the club. We feel terrible a lot of time. But we feel good very often too. Don't tell me you don't feel great when you solve a case and flaunt it in front of us. And you also often feel bad. Otherwise, you won't take drugs. So your life has not always been a lie. You deluded yourself into thinking that you were a sociopath. In fact, the revelation by your sister shows what has always been the truth. You are always emotional but you just hid it really well. The lie is not your whole life but the belief you held about yourself."

Sherlock was stunned into silence.

"You were never a sociopath, highly functioning or not. You had us fooled for a long time. Despite your claims, I could still observe things."

"It must be Mrs Hudson or John who told you after the Culverton Smith's case."

Greg shook his head. Apparently the new Sherlock still thought Greg was an idiot. But perhaps he still thought everyone was an idiot so he shouldn't feel singled out. "No, I don't. What did they say? Do you want me to tell you what I see?"

Sherlock merely nodded.

"You were never a sociopath. Yes, I've said it earlier but it's worth repeating to get through your thick skull. You pretended to be one but deep down you know you weren't."

"If you were going to make me feel better, you've failed spectacularly."

"After all the lies you have been told, don't you think you deserve the truth?" He was surprised that Sherlock nodded again.

"Your type of lies is called self-deception. You distorted your facts from your childhood to support your beliefs that caring is not an advantage. You dismissed facts that didn't support your beliefs. With your super high intelligence, the process of lying to yourself is easier. You could easily create a completely new reality."

"That actually makes me an idiot like other people who believe in false things."

"Did you miss the _highly intelligent_ part in my speech? Trauma victims especially children tend to alter their memories to make them feel safer. You actually told Henry Knight the same thing yourself. He was shocked to see his father was killed by his father's best friend so he altered the murderer as a dog. Sounds familiar?"

"It was a hound."

"Whatever. So you did the same to your own memory. You were also much younger than Henry when this trauma happened. Don't feel bad. You're only human whether you like it or not." To his surprise, Sherlock doesn't protest. Greg feels like he has stepped into the Twilight Zone. He continued, "You know Victor's death is not your fault. At least I hope you do. You're also not responsible for your sister's behaviours."

"Intellectually, I know that. Of course I know that with my massive intellect." Sherlock put on a smile. Greg knew now that it was forced but it was better than see him cry. "But I still feel that I'm responsible morally. I wish I could go back to become a sociopath and don't care for others but it's very hard at the moment."

"Do you mean the so-called sociopath? I think we've established that. So what if your principle of not caring is an advantage is a lie? You did that to protect people around you. That itself has shown that you were not a sociopath."

"Are you saying that I pretended to be a sociopath because I was never a sociopath to begin with?"

"Yes. So that means your self-deception stems from good will. I can't fault you for that. You shouldn't either. I could do without your rudeness and disregard to other people or rules with or without your _sociopathic_ persona though."

The corner of Sherlock's mouth actually twitched upward at his last remark. It was not a genuine smile yet but it was quite an improvement. "I think you have better chance of seeing a pig fly, or even better, seeing Mycroft stick to his diet before I stop insulting people. They deserve the insults for not properly using their brains I know they are capable of."

At least something never changed. Baby steps.

"I haven't said what I observe about you, Sherlock Holmes. Yes, I have a power of observation despite your repeated claims. I said you are a good man and I was right. It has nothing to do with you remembering my first name although my sergeants and constables seem to think it was because of _that_. I'm not that self-centred. How did you manage to finally remember my name anyway?"

"After forgetting Eurus, I think it's important for me to remember the friends around me and don't take them for granted." Sherlock seemed to be fascinated by the small holes on the floor in front of him.

Greg never expected that anything Sherlock said could give him warm fuzzy feelings, usually he just got indigestion and heartburn. "Thank you. You're a good man and you should be proud of that."

"Why should I? Good doesn't help me solve murders, which of course is another lie. I'm obsessed in solving murders because I couldn't solve Victor's."

"So what if that is a lie? You have done a lot of great things with your powers of deduction. You've helped us catch more than half of the criminals in London and Great Britain."

"Only more than half?" Sherlock raises an eyebrow.

"Despite what you think, the New Scotland Yard is capable in solving crimes. We exist before you were born. If you want me to tell you what I think, you'd better listen." Since Sherlock doesn't interrupt, he continued, "I know you feel terrible because you thought you wanted to solve murders because you were unique and smart. Well, you are both. Don't make me praise you repeatedly. So what if the original motivation is wrong? You still do a lot of good things because of that. You could choose to be Moriarty or Magnussen but you choose to be good. I still stand by my statement that good is better than great. A good man with your intellect is harder to find."

Sherlock seemed astonished. It seemed his perpetual look today besides brooding. "I've never thought of it that way."

"Of course, you don't. You are good at discovering facts but I know human hearts. I have to in order to become a good …" Sherlock raised his eyebrow. "Sod it, Sherlock. I'm a good detective. I don't care what you said."

"I've never said you were a bad detective. You just didn't observe when you could. You could've solved a lot of cases if you used the good brain I know you have."

Lestrade rolled his eyes. "Well, said the guy who tried to mix emotions and facts in his mind palace to make himself feel better. Was that wat you did when I walked in?"

Sherlock meekly nodded. "I see that you observe but not at the way I meant."

"Observing human behaviour is not a bad hobby. It's also less explosive unlike someone's experiments."

"I've never caused any explosion in my lab despite what John said."

"My apology, I sometime get your adventures and your experiments mixed up. What I wanted to say was you were an idiot. Not everything can be solved in the mind palace especially emotions. Have you tried a therapist?"

"That's why I texted you."

"I'm honoured but I'm not qualified. I still think you need to see a therapist."

"I've tried Ella but she couldn't help much when John was so upset with me."

Greg didn't know that Sherlock ever tried a therapist. He hoped he didn't make Ella cry. "Is that the part when you got yourself so drugged up so John could save you?"

"Yes, to be fair to Ella, it's not her suggestion. It's Mary's, well, not hers directly, but it's implied."

"Yeah, right. The suggestion by an ex-assassin must have worked out so much better. Did she imply that Smith should try to kill you so that John could save you? What if John didn't go or arrive too late? I know you meant well but you were quite an idiot."

Sherlock scoffed. "Thank you very much. Everybody has told me that."

"I'll keep hammering it through your thick skull. You could find another therapist to help you deal with so many issues."

"Like Eurus?"

"Good point."

"At least you need to talk to John and your brother."

"I will. I need to talk to you first. They're too close to me and they have experienced a lot of traumas lately. They need to rest. You tell me what I need to hear without any sugar coating. I need that."

Greg was quite touched by Sherlock's earnest expression, his consideration for other people, and the fact that he chose him first. "As I've said earlier, you're indeed a good man, and not only because you remember my name or decide to talk to me first. I might be biased though." He smiled.

Sherlock's lips curled upward again. That was definitely a smile. He didn't say anything.

"I see. You're going to stay silent until I tell you why you're a good man. OK, I'll allow it today because you don't insult me much _yet_. I said I had my own observations. I saw a man who was willing to jump to his death-even if it's fake- at the cost of his reputation to save his friends. I saw a man who didn't care for his own life and safety to bring down Moriarty and help his friends many times. You're also an idiot for that, by the way. Not the helping part but the not caring for your own safety part. Caring works both ways. We care about you, too." Sherlock seemed to be astonished by his remark. A precious idiot indeed. He continued, "I saw a man who was willing to forgive a person who shot him so no friendship is ruined. I saw a man who was willing to kill somebody to protect his friends. I really can't condone what you did, but I understand it. It was just a proof that you're a good friend. You vowed to protect your friends. No matter what the result was, you've tried your very best. You're willing to go to hell to save your friend. If that's not a good man, I don't know what that is. You chose to shoot yourself rather than killing your best friend or your brother. You tried your best to protect John, Molly, your brother, and the people on the plane. Even when the last one was a fake, you still get points for trying to save them. If those are not signs of a good man, I'll eat my badge."

Sherlock was left speechless. Greg was worried that he might have broken Sherlock. After a while, he regained his power of speech. "Thank you. I really hope you don't need to eat your badge. Metal doesn't go well with human's stomach. Charlie Eddington ate quite a few very tiny pieces of them in a soup once. The corpse didn't look good."

Greg looked slightly green. "I think the thank you part is sufficient."

Sherlock rose from his chair, walked to Greg, and hugged him. Greg rose and hugged back, more eagerly than Sherlock. "Greg, thank you for everything. I thought hearing why I was good wouldn't make any difference with all the lies and identity crises. You're right about emotions. There are good and bad ones. You help me to clarify about the lies in my life and also my motivation to become a detective. I guess it doesn't matter in the end. Even if it's a lie, I end up helping people. I pretended I was a sociopath but I got results. I'd still insult people with lesser intellects, by the way."

Sherlock released his hug after his last statement. Greg quickly reciprocated. He really didn't want to seem too eager as it might scare Sherlock off and made him retreat into himself. At least Sherlock didn't make a move to sit back.

"I expect nothing less. If you ever feel like taking drugs or harming yourself, you always feel free to call me even in the middle of the night. I really hope it's not too often though."

Sherlock smiled. "I'll keep that in mind. Don't worry. There is always John whom I can call at midnight. He doesn't sleep anyway with Rosie keeping him awake. There is always Mycroft too with his 24-hours surveillance. What you can do to help is sending me cases- I'll take even a five for now. I need to keep my mind busy so I don't analyse my life too much."

"Keeping yourself busy is always good. Time heals. I can't know whether a case if five or above though."

"Oh, for God's sake. Just send them all then. I'll just reject anything below five."

"Please don't shoot the messengers."

Sherlock grinned. "I'll try my best not to be too rude."

"Thank goodness for that! I'm peckish after becoming your unpaid therapist. Lunch?"

"If you want me to pay for lunch, just say so. I still have Mycroft's credit cards."

It was Greg's turn to grin. "I hope you're going to eat as well. I know I'm not John but I need my consulting detective fed so that he could be productive."

"You're certainly taller than John and dress better. Nothing can top those jumpers. I can be productive without eating but I could do lunch. I need to be in my top form before facing Mycroft. I might also not have any appetite after visiting him. Chinese?"

"As long as you're paying."

Greg hoped it was a start of a great friendship with the new Sherlock Holmes. Of course, they had always been friends but at least this time Sherlock would call him by the right name. He was still amazed how Sherlock was capable of finding all the names in the world started with G. It expended more energy than actually remembering his name. But he wouldn't have his consulting detective any other way.

* * *

Notes:

-I just updated the two chapters and changed all of them to past tense. If you still see some present tense I didn't catch, please let me know.  
-It's hard to write the character of Sherlock. It's even harder to write the "new" Sherlock. I hope I don't get his character and Greg too wrong.  
-I also hope it's not too heavy handed or too light. There is really no right way to deal with what Sherlock is facing. I just don't want to write Sherlock incapacitated and needs constant external help. I also don't want him to brush it off as if nothing happened. I think the new Sherlock knows when he needs help and how to get it. At least that's my interpretation (that could be totally wrong).  
-Initially, I want to write him only talking to Greg and that's it. But I think he could benefit talking to Mycroft, John, also Molly. Well, if I write too badly, you could ask me to stop at this chapter.  
-Feedback and comments are welcome.


End file.
